I get this achiness in my brain that sometimes feels like a bunch of spider webs. A stiffness in my laughs that makes me wonder where my joy wandered off to. Like my heart is buried like toes in sand and I’m forgetting something.
Sometimes it comes after a long day or an emotionally exhausting situation but often it seems to be random and unprovoked. And then! I realize I’ve been talkin’ all kinds of negative bullshit to myself subtly and consistently throughout the day. Mystery solved!
We all want to be loved. The idea of being unwanted or unloved compels us to do all sorts of weird ass shit. We want to feel understood, validated and respected by the people we love and even the strangers. It hurts to be not be accepted or to be unseen. But what we often forget is how important it is to accept ourselves. To love ourselves and be kind to ourselves. We are so tied up running around and memorizing and learning and figuring out and balancing that we forget to take moments to love ourselves. To forgive ourselves. We waste so much time trying to be perfect and know exactly how to do things. How to say yes how to say no, how to have the perfect ass and how to do every last thing on the planet “right”. It’s hard to remember in the middle of a shit show day that the day might move along easier and more joyfully if we chilled the fuck out for a few minutes and focused on what parts of ourselves we know are beautiful and true.
And considering every commercial image we are faced with is some like perfect complexion, perfect body perfect smile HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY SEXY PERFECT AMAZING LOVED ADMIRED ENVIED woman eating yogurt on a yoga mat that it’s not surprising we’re ganging up on ourselves on the regular. Life is really difficult to make sense of sometimes. At the very same time life can be very simple and lovely. Taking time to notice and nurture beautiful things about ourselves is as important as striving to become a better person. It’s also absolutely part of the process of evolving and becoming stronger.
It’s taken me basically my whole life to ease up on myself, and still sometimes I seem to be critiquing myself harsher and more cruelly than I would ever imagine critiquing someone else. I think at the bottom belly of it all it comes from a sincere spot. A spot that longs to be constantly evolving and improved, but at what cost? And when did it become useful to suffocate ourselves with self-doubt?
Another incredible piece of this weird ass puzzle is the company we keep. When we keep people around who weigh us down, are codependent or exhaust us we are holding ourselves back. When I spend time with my lady friends I always always feel better. Not only because they’re total boss bitches who are stronger and more beautiful than words have the capacity to describe, but also because they too are facing the same wonky self doubt and negativity that I feel sometimes. Being open about this and honest has helped me move along a lot quicker than internalizing my nervousness or insecurities and pretending I’m one of those stock photo women. Somehow, by some heart magic we become more brave when we realize we are not alone.
So tonight when I felt like jumping off a cliff/eating a gallon of ice cream/shaving my head/hiding under blankets & watching “Mob Wives” until someone noticed my absence/smoking a carton of cigarettes, well instead of all that, I decided to go to the gym, promptly freak out during my run so I could get all those weird heart aches and anxieties out and then cool down by walking real slow home and reminding myself of all the obstacles I’ve overcome in my life and all the badass qualities I possess. I also eased up on myself. It’s not a race. You can trick yourself into thinking it is, but I promise it’s not. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Be slow and take your time when you’re able to. Today might feel wobbly and crappy but it’s just a weird little gust of wind that will be over as soon as you let it go and remember all your good parts.
Oh, and if it’s feeling harder than usual I strongly advise eating an entire carton of strawberries & chocolate ice cream and totally watching “Mob Wives”. Tomorrow will be better, lil angelz.
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